This week has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride for me. I am not sure why. I have felt raw and vulnerable all week. The internal dialogue has been loud and noisy. I have questioned my ability, my talent, my role as an Artist. I have fought demons that I thought were dead and buried. This week, I have not picked up my camera. I have not created. My emotions were too tied up in this emotional fight. I have kicked myself to the kerb and I am covered in bruises. My heart ached.
Yesterday, I had an appointment and I was not sure how long it would take. I grabbed the "Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron as I ran out the door. I have tried a number of times to read this book and never succeeded. But for some reason it caught my attention as I scanned the books next to my bed. I grabbed it in the hope of seeing a quote, a sentence or something that I might connect with.
As I waited in the office for my appointment, I flicked open the book and I landed on a page that I have previously underlined. I had previously penned words on the side and I paused my flicking. It was a chapter on core negative beliefs and how to turn them into positive affirmations. After a week of negative thoughts, I decided to read it. And then I saw this sentence:
"What you are is scared. Core negatives keep you scared". Julia Cameron
In that moment, sitting in the office waiting for my appointment, I knew this to be true. I am scared. I have shared my creative self with the world and I am scared of failure. I am scared I will not live up to my own expectations. I am scared I will never be the photographer I want to be. I am scared I will be ridiculed. I am scared of success. I am scared I will never be the "artist to watch". I am scared someone will tap me on the shoulder and say "you shouldn't be here".
I am scared. All the noise in my head can be wrapped up in a bundle and labelled "scared". I realise it is ok to be scared as long as I keep trying. I can only fail if I let fear get in the way. I walked out of my appointment feeling stronger but not ready to return to my to do list. I saw a cafe that I have been wanting to try and I stopped. I ordered a latte, sat in the winter sunshine, continued to read. Then I saw this creative affirmation:
I am allowed to nurture my artist.
If I wasn't sitting in cafe filled with people, I would have cried. I have not been nurturing my artist. I have been beating her up. But sitting in the sun, reading these words, and sipping a latte is my way of nurturing my artist. I didn't rush home. I stayed. I nurtured. I sipped coffee. I was scared but I am worthy.
My name is Cindy Cavanagh, and I live in Sydney, Australia. I am a Lifestyle photographer of home and heart. I love to create and always have. I'm Co-Editor of the Long Way Home Magazine, contributor to Journey to Artist and 30minutes in the life. I am a wife and Mum to 5 gorgeous and crazy children. Ironically, I love the quiet.